Hypocrite....

Rainy day today.... having a conversation with Yap... and she told me that , i was kinda Hypocrite.
Hypocrite.... hypocrite...that means people with two different faces , that makes me stunned for a while... i m hypocrite ? But yeah... i guess she has her point as well .. maybe ... i m... but then i ask her , what makes you thought of me like that ? She gave me an example ... that day , while yi ling was arguing with mages .. i try to comfort yi ling infront of her , but then at the other time , i did talk to mages about this too.. but does they know what is the conversation between me , yi ling , and mages ? I just wanted to ask her , did i acting fake infront of them ? Hypocrite... that means i was acting fake between the both side of people...and what surprised me is that , she told me that some of the others agree with her as well... that i m that kinda person...

At first , i really do want to explain what did i told mages and yi ling about their arguement... but then , i just forget about it , cause she won't believe i think , and i can understand that why they think i m hypocrite , because somehow it did shows that i m ... i wouldn't realize it , because for me , that's the best way to cool down both tight situation...but in people eyes , i was the kinda person which trying to convince people that i was helping them , i was standing at their side , and pretend to be good to them although there were wrong... and do the same thing for the other side... but no , that's not what i think...

Yap ask me one question , she said , esther did you actually use your heart to be a human ? Well yes !! certainly i m !! Who you think i m ? Is like all the time , all those stuff that i did , was all fake !? Man ! Like i m evil , trying to convince people's heart for my own benefits , man is like all the time till now i just sacrifice for nothing !? haiz... still... you don't know me Yap... but i didn't blame you , cause it is , yeah , can be count as hypocrite , but if you ask me that , did i use my heart to be a human ? i can tell you thousand times ! yes !!! i did !! maybe more than you !! don't ever doubt about my feelings , using a heart to be a human ? i know more than you ! and i dare to say i sacrifice maybe more than you , just to be the right human !

but man :( ... don't ever doubt that i m fake to you guys ... i m not .. haiz... alright , well yes i did try to comfort the both side , but that doesn't mean i didn't tell them the truth ... i just don't want to tell them rudely , and straight forward to their faults , to hurt them... i don't want any harsh feelings between my friend , you know is kinda hurt when you were wrong but none of them support you , so i just try to comfort them first , that's my plan , and tell them slowly about their faults later because , you can't just judge something black and white ? there were still grey between it , which couldn't be explain easily , and really need some deep understanding ... plus , they were my friend , i don't want to hurt them so fast ... is sad to see something like that , is not fun you know. but i guess , yeah maybe i was wrong on that action and i did admit it , is my fault to do all that , is like bluffing someone else , especially he or she was your friend. Cause being friend has to be honest with each other, but somehow i did not do that .

And i thought about it during the wait at the bus station ... haiz , well yeah , although Yap or the others were straight forward sometimes , but at least their didn't lie ... but i did ... i just care about people's feelings too much somehow , but it is my fault , i guess is time for me to change my ways on dealing with human's relationship , yes , i could tell them the right thing i should tell , but at the same time , knowing the words to tell them , and try to put myself on their shoes too ... i think that's the best way , really is time for me to make some changes about my point of view... sometimes , what i think was right , others doesn't think like that .. because they don't realize how you feel , is all about logic sense and all that , i did try to say , well what people think doesn't matter ,what matters is how you think about yourself , i always use this for my own prinsip of living , but this time , it doesn't work on me at all... so i know , even me myself , agree with that hypocrite words too... haiz... i really need to change this thoughts really , is ... rather i can say , annoying and troublesome. I don't like those , really making me crazy.

BUt mean while , at the same time , i don't really agree with the way some people dealing with humans when it came to these situation and say >> well , i don't care loh !! i just want to say anything i want and i think it was right lo !! i don't care what they think loh !!

.... not everything has to be judge black and white straightly .... still they were some grey colour part that need us to sees it deeply , maybe they have their own reason ... for me straight forward on judging people somehow doesn't seems to have any maturity within it .... because it doesn't explain one thoughts , you didn't try to understand their feelings and how they thought ? Try to put yourself in their shoes and see , what if , you were them ? so... i never wanted to hurt anyone feelings , but i admit , being hypocrite was my fault after all , i promise myself to learn and correct my mistake. but anyway , thanks yap for telling me all these .. i 'll try ^^