. Missing you..Miserable. Complaints

Ringggggggggg.... school bells rang today after the whole class sessions finish. Tired... miserable. The whole day , thinking of you... Walking towards the bus stations , thinking of you ... Waiting for the bus to come... thinking of you...you .. you .. you.. every pieces of my mind... was you. Haiz.. nah , leave it , let's listen to some music .. taking out my mp3 player , start the music then... << 爱在记忆中找你 >> man,
this song... reminds me about you and me .. the meaning ... the story within it .. . some tears began to appeared from my eyes... quickly , i took a tissues , and swep it off...change the songs then...<< 说爱我 >> ... another songs that i ve send you before.. oh my god....
watch out those tears !! tears !! swep it off , swep it off !! quick !! Man !! what is these all about ??
Stupid me , keep crying , like a baby ... i guess that's just me huh ? Love to cry. and the next song ... <<>> Damn... =.=''' ahhhhhhhh !!!

Don't feel like going back .. my mom she's off... must be kut to hear her nagging and scolding ... plus i have no mood today .. So.. i decided to travel the Light rail train once again ... go somewhere else like KLCC , or or Mid valley i don't care... KLCC lah .. father and it tooks quit long time to get there by train. Just promise to let me travel somewhere else ... leave this seri kembangan place...

In the Train .... Sitting to some places near the window ... playing songs like eyes sets to kill , bitter pill ... beauty through broken glasses... violence kiss... I felt a sudden anger were a released from my heart ... But at the same time ... i felt miserable about my future ... my studies ... keep asking question like , what the fuck am i doing now ? Honestly , form 6 , never will be my choice.. if it isn't my parents who want me to do this ... i won't be taking any courses for that ... i hide all my dreams and interest just to , please them... But i realize that, it really isn't my choice ... i felt tired... and confused.... do i really want this ? Form 6 life ? I m studying something that i don't really feel for it ... i lost all my passion and spirit for this... i started to feel that , for now .. i m just a death fish.. can't swim further , can't be smart , can't fight...Well , Prishan and i , were just talking about this today , and ... yup.. she felt that same as well.. We are the kind of people , who needs freedom to be succeed in our life... Right now ... i m 19 , but i don't feel like it , like cheh i m just a 15 or 17 year old girl who were still control by teachers and parents , what uniform should i wear , what type of hair should i tide up... what courses should i take for studies...following every single rules in school , damn... I just hope they would realize , that , I m quite a rebellion girl which doesn't following the rules all the time , and this , is my symbol of life , or my prinsip , i use to be like this and would never change that ... if you want to take it off from me , that means it is same as taking off the wings from the bird ... Was really fuck to know , when others just set the character earlier in their mind that we are what they thought but not we are who we are... just can't be myself... no own opinions , no self improvement , i can say .. that's Malaysia .. teachers sucks ... tradition .. and stubborn as hell... so as my parents... they already set it earlier what to do in your future and what hell character you should have. Docile , Obedient , listen , manners , right attitude , tradition ..bla bla bla ... that's what they call , the good students and children. As for girls , just follow everything that people said and don't fight back ... stay at home , do housework , cook , gentle , shy ... =.=''' what the fuck ... Man !! There is no thing that said , if you stay at home , you will be succeed in your future so as your life , you can be good , and everything will run smooth ... Oh pls mother fucker , what the hell was that ?? HUH ?? I mean , do you actually know how those people turn famous and have great career in their life ?? That's because they were all being train hard by those huge challenge out there , they face a darker side of a society and seen more than people who were just staying at homes studying like nuts , they have experients about how does a life runs and how would you deal with it if you face those fuckest challenge of all . I can sure that a person which don't been through all these stuff , they will never know the meaning of it , and is hard for them to be as tough as those people out there , being good , smooth and simple in your life doesn't really mean you could have a good life in the future , that's sucks talk. Now the world has been change , everything is running differently day by day , you can't just use the past to predict the future ? You have to update and improve yourself , try to live the life you want , and choose the things that you can do. But... those teachers.. they will never know what you think.. teachers kononnya , cheh .. fuck lah... they are just ... unreasonable ... student's can't have own opinions in front of the teachers cause that's disobeying the old ones , like they were always right and we were always wrong ... in here , i don't mention about those teenagers who always drugs and smoke but still thinks that they were right ( but i don't said that was totally their fault to do that as well , cause they have their own reason everybody has it , i respect them fully , only they knew it well about them self ) but what i mean was , something more or less about politics , or or projects and those studies , plus the way teachers doing things ... and their thoughts... they just wouldn't accept any critics from anyone , and try to blame on others about their own fault , that's my parents as well... i was totally stress fuck off with that situation when a teacher of mine , try to pull off all my opinions about one situations and bloking my way of doing things , instead , make me following her mind.If i don't do as she ask for.. I would have to suffer from the word ALLAH and Tuhan again =.=''' she will totally bring out all those kitab or so on so on stuff just to shut my mouth =.=''' They always said >> you must be a model role for our country if you wish our country to be one of the toppest... =.=''' fuck lah !! with this kind of system , anyone would fail ok ?? Just... the word .. respect.. where is it ? None of it... *sigh*.... we won't be able to improve anyway with that... But the only teacher i salute ... is Pn. Zaimuni.. she always has her way of seeing things , her own view... she sees it everything logically , and with reasonable accuses... not following all the rules , cause still some rules might be wrong if you use it at the wrong time ... that's what we call.. a teacher. Haiz... i wonder how my life will be then? Without hapiness , my own passion and interest i guess... but for now , is already april , i guess i can go through this again ... and i have to , no choice at all ... i have been stuggling for this such long time ago , if now i gave up , that means i am wasting my time for nothing , so . why not give it a last try ? Well.. i don't care.. my target now is stpm , that's my only only target for now.. don't care about how and what those teachers says about me , i don't care at all.. cause they are fuck.. if you care for those stupid so call motivations or advicing languages... you will surely die someday .. cheh...

Walking out from KLCC ... i saw a women , with a very scary face... erm , is her make up that makes her looks scary ... her hair was like a bunch of rubbish dumb tide up ... everybody would went like laughing or what the fuck ! if they see this ... i was kinda shock too when i saw that ... and it makes me felt ... and then ... zomok leh ?? But all of the sudden... i felt .. sympathy with her... she doesn't have to look like this if there is someone who teaches her how to make up and how to dress... but she's alone.. that reminds me of my mom... no matter how hard to serve how fierce she was , how stingy , how scary , how fuck... she is still .. my mom... i think.. is time for me to go back now , she's waiting for me alone.

But... i still miss him .. i miss you dear sha gua... how are you ne ? Don't be stress ok ? Take really good care of yourself... be happy... bless you here... haiz... i love you..

Love from essy..

就是爱你

我一直都想对你说
你给我想不到的快乐 像绿洲给了沙漠
说你会永远陪着我
做我的根我翅膀让我飞也有回去的窝
我愿意我也可以付出一切也不会可惜
就在一起看时间流逝要记得我们相爱的方式
就是爱你爱着你有悲有喜有你平淡也有了意义
就是爱你爱着你甜蜜又安心那种感觉就是你
我一直都想对你说
你给我想不到的快乐像绿洲给了沙漠
说你会永远陪着我
做我的根我翅膀让我飞也有回去的窝
我愿意真的愿意付出所有也要保护你
oh 在一起时间继续流逝请记得我有多么的爱你 oh 就是爱你爱着你不弃不离开不在意一路有多少风雨
就是爱你爱着你放在你手心灿烂的幸福全给你
oh 就是爱你爱着你我都愿意
就是爱你爱着你要我们在一起

Love Can
I always want to say to you
You give me unbelievable happiness
Like the green oasis to the desert
Please say you will always be with me
Support me, give me wings to fly
And a nest to return to
I am willing and I am able
To give you everything without regrets
When we are together watching the time goes by
Please remember the way we love we each other
Loving, loving you, there's pain and joy
With you, even ordinary can become meaningful
Loving, loving you, sweet & content
This kind of feeling is you

I always want to say to you
You give me unbelievable happiness
Like the green oasis to the desert
Please say you will always be with me
Support me, give me wings to fly
And a nest to return to
I am willing, really I am
To do anything to protect you
Oh ~ when we are together as time goes on and on
Please remember how much I love you
Oh loving, loving you, never deserting, never leaving
I don't mind, the road full of obstacles
Loving, loving you, in your hand
You are holding all the pleasure I can give you
Oh ~ loving, loving you, I am always willing
Loving, loving you, I want us to be together